Episode 12. Resilient Ways to Grieve: Insights from Season 1 with Dr Monika Wieliczko, Clinical Psychologist.

Season #1 November 19, 2024

As we close Season One of A Guide to After Life, I want to take a moment to reflect on the meaningful conversations we’ve had over the past three months. It’s been a deeply moving journey, exploring grief and resilience through the lens of different experiences and perspectives.

In this episode, I look back on some of the key themes we’ve touched on:

The complexities of relationships after loss and how grief impacts connection.
The unique ways children experience and process grief, including their understanding of its permanence.
The challenges of solo parenting in the midst of grief and the importance of self-compassion.
How grief affects our neuropsychology and the healing power of understanding this process.

One thread that has run through all our discussions is the importance of vulnerability and shared experiences. Grief is often isolating, but when we open up to others—whether through professional support, community, or simply honest conversations—it can foster connection and healing.

Looking ahead to Season Two, I’m committed to diving even deeper into topics like grief, loss, and rebuilding life after loss. If there are specific areas you’d like to hear about, I’d love to know.

Thank you for being a part of this season. Your engagement and willingness to explore these difficult but essential topics have been incredible. Together, we’re creating a community of support, understanding, and hope.

Listen now to reflect with me on this season and look forward to what’s to come in Season Two.

Help me share the future of our podcast:

Do you have a burning question you would like me to answer or an important message to share with your fellow widows? Whether you would like to be my guest speaker or have a questions concerning loss, grief and life after loss, please get in touch with me. Fill out the form and I will get back to you as soon as possible.

Helpful links and resources:

- Take part in the Free Grief MOT to find out if you are stuck in a state of shock or whether your grief is progressing and does not require professional help.

- Book a free 15-consultation with me to discuss the results of your Grief MOT

- Find out about Grief Group Therapy that I offer

- Unsure whether to see a psychologist, psychotherapist or counsellor or grief coach for grief support? Read this blog post to find out more.

- Find out more about grief support

My BIO:

Dr Monika Wieliczko, Chartered Clinical Psychologist D.Clin.Psych, MSc, MA

Psychologist by profession, and a widow, in private.

Connect with me on social media:

Facebook, Instagram, Linked In

I have lost my life partner of 15 years to bowel cancer after a long and gruesome fight for his life. These experiences shaped and changed me forever affecting every aspect of my life personally and professionally. The three most challenging years of my life made me realise that our society has a profound problem with death and shaped my understanding of what life is really about.

I consciously bring both perspectives into my practice; incorporating 15 years’ worth of knowledge of how our minds work with a large dose of lived experience of grief and mourning.

I know the pain of loss but I also understand the burden of unaddressed grief.

The unresolved feelings surrounding your late partner can prolong your grief for years, stopping you from truly mourning your loss, affecting your entire life. By making a conscious effort to understand and work through your grief you give yourself permission to live your life again.

Apart from running a private practice, I am also a visiting lecturer at The Institute of Psychiatry in London delivering teaching for trainee clinical psychologists. My research interests involve the effects of profound trauma on grief response and the community-based approach to helping people with grief. I have worked within the NHS as well as private and charitable organisations in the UK since 2011. I have trained at various universities across the UK and Poland and I have completed my doctoral studies at the Canterbury Christ Church University.

Episode Transcript

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\f0\fs24 \cf0 Dr Monika Wieliczko (00:05.56)\
So welcome to A Guide to After Life. This is the final episode of season one. And I must say that I find myself deeply moved by everything that happened over the last three months. All the conversations I've had with my guests, how much they were able to share, how vulnerable they were with all of us, and how much those conversations offered me a new perspective and I'm hoping it also taught us something about grief and resilience and how we all have this incredible capacity as human beings to grow from our losses. I suppose knowing that loss is a part of life I think allows us all to embrace those hardships and\
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difficult moments in life. When I began this podcast, I drew from my own experiences of loss, and I never shy away from sharing with you how the loss of my late husband changed me fundamentally as a human being, as a therapist, a psychologist, but also kind of helped me grow as a human being.\
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And I really hope that this podcast created a space where not just widows, but also other grieving people can find comfort and understanding, some tools for healing, but most importantly, a space where we can have very honest, often uncomfortable conversations. Because I think that's really where all the grieving\
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takes place in those very difficult areas that no one really wants to talk about. But I suppose what I didn't anticipate was how much this process of talking to people who were able to share their own experiences of grief and their knowledge of the grieving process, how that would help me grow alongside this journey of podcasting.\
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Dr Monika Wieliczko (02:35.256)\
So listening to all those stories and insights from my guests, those brilliant psychologists, compassionate people, coaches, and inspiring widows and people with lived experiences of loss, how that profoundly shaped how I view my own grief journey. And the power of talking, the power of sharing our stories, the power of being vulnerable with each other.\
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So this season started with Dr Sarah Johnson and her profound... So this season started with Dr Sarah Johnson sharing with us her profound exploration of how she navigated her multiple relationships and how they were affected by a lot of her husband, Rory.\
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And as a widow parent, she shared her journey of managing grief while raising her child and reshaping her identity. What really stayed with me the most is, I think fundamentally her advice on honesty and transparency in forming new relationships after loss, but also how the...\
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pre-existing relationships, how they change when someone dies and I suppose how much work it takes to rebuild relationships after such a profound loss. And it is a real act of courage.\
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And I suppose what his story reminds us all of is that love can coexist with grief and it doesn't have to erase happiness.\
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Dr Monika Wieliczko (04:37.102)\
The follow-up conversation in episode 2 was with Sarah's daughter Lola. And I've got an incredibly fond memory of that conversation because it just brought such raw and tender perspective on what it's like to lose a parent when you're just a child. I think I was incredibly moved.\
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by Lola's reflections and how her sensory experiences, sensory memories were the main source of holding her father's memory in her mind. So the sensory snippets, if you like, really were fundamental in kind of working through, recovering certain memories.\
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alongside the role of her family and how her family helped her preserve her father's memory. Such a fundamental part of grieving for children and her honesty about challenges of introducing a new family member highlighted the importance of open communication and finding shared ground with children. And in some ways it just provides very honest and transparent way of\
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saying well it's not going to be an easy journey. It never is. But growing family after such a profound loss and having fruitful engaging relationships after loss is definitely something that can be reached if we pay enough attention, if we try our best. After that\
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episode, I had the pleasure of speaking to Dr Rachel Mastor about solar parenting while we grieve and her own experiences of challenges of solar parenting through grief just showed us this incredible resilience that people have and then the need for community reaching out to your own community and building\
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Dr Monika Wieliczko (07:04.034)\
those networks with other solar parents to help you navigate that difficult journey. And that conversation really reminded me of the pressure we often put ourselves under to be perfect in the way we grief, in the way we parent and the role of self compassion and self care, even when it feels unattainable.\
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And there's something about those social expectations and the guilt that solar parents often feel resonated so deeply with me. So if you're a solar parent, this episode is definitely for you.\
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After that, we moved to Dr. Amber Johnston, a neuropsychologist and a clinical psychologist, and she talked to us about what goes on in our brains when we grieve and the impact of the grieving process on our brain and body. And that was truly an eye-opening episode.\
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I think anyone grieving should really listen to or learn more about what goes on in our brains, how our cognitive functions and nervous systems become overloaded and what to do when we can't process information in the way we expect ourselves to. And Amber's insight into neuroplasticity give us all hope.\
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how our brain are incredibly capable of adapting and healing and that grieving really is this process of adapting, is this process of working through tons of information, tons of new ways of being, new ways of perceiving reality. So no wonder it takes time, but she reminds us\
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Dr Monika Wieliczko (09:16.128)\
of importance of social support and increasing our ability to regulate our bodies and our emotions to navigate grief.\
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Then we moved to talking about what happens in grief meets trauma with a very moving conversation with trauma expert Dr. Yvonne Walsh.\
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We explore the interplay between grief and trauma and something I feel extremely passionate about and place, think an issue that plays such a sense. I think it's an issue that plays such a central role. I think it's an issue that plays such a central role in profound loss because in my mind, most of\
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weirdos, especially young weirdos, experience something that it's not just grief, but it's also something quite traumatic and has a potential of interfering with a regular grieving process.\
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So this episode revealed how unresolved trauma can complicate our grief and prolong our healing journey. So Yvonne introduced these powerful tools like EMDR therapy, as well as sharing her personal story of resilience and growth as someone who's experienced a tremendous amount of loss and trauma.\
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Dr Monika Wieliczko (11:04.94)\
had taken my message was about embracing emotions rather than avoiding them and how we often, I think was taken.\
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Dr Monika Wieliczko (11:18.506)\
avoidance for resilience.\
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That resonated so deeply with me, especially in the Western cultures where I think we tend to follow this fantasy that the true resilience has something to do with how happy we are and how well we do in life, rather than confronting ourselves with reality of the fact that loss is a\
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and that suppressing pain is never going to get us anywhere.\
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Whereas facing our pain and loss with care and compassion can bring a tremendous growth and resilience.\
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That episode followed with another interesting conversation about complex presentations in grief and the role of therapy with Dr Katja Winheim. And I think that was the exploration of when to seek professional help. So if you're wondering whether you might be feeling stuck or maybe unsure whether you need professional help.\
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Dr Monika Wieliczko (12:46.008)\
This episode is definitely there for you and worth revisiting. I've also created some resources on my website that might be useful and that includes the Grieve MOT, which is a short survey that you can take that gives you personalized results that help you understand where you are on your Grieve journey.\
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and whether you need that professional help. There are also several blog posts on complex grief and different forms of therapy and that is incredibly useful if you're unsure who to see, a psychologist, psychotherapist, a coach, a counsellor, whether it should be individual or group therapy, all the answers are in that episode and in the blog.\
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which will be shared in the show notes as well as you can go to my website guidetoafterlife.com\
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Dr Monika Wieliczko (13:55.95)\
Katia's insight especially struck me in relation to group therapy.\
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Katia's insight into group therapy particularly struck me. It's a reminder again of the healing power of shared experiences. Grief is a deeply personal experience, but we don't have to go through it alone. And having your tribe, having your group of people to help you get through it is incredibly important.\
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Dr Monika Wieliczko (14:30.658)\
Then we moved on to thinking about engaging our bodies and how our bodies can be especially important on their grieving journey. So from the grounding rhythm of knitting with Dr. Paula Redmond, an incredibly important episode on grief, on knitting for grief.\
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So from the grounding rhythm of knitting with Dr. Paula Redmond to the restorative power of yoga and somatic practices with Dr. Beth Strode, I again been reminded about the healing process that takes place in grief and that it's not one size fits all, that we all need to search for those more creative ways of grieving and that grieving doesn't just include\
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therapy. It includes all those practices, all those things we do, our daily routines that can be so incredibly useful. So whether you're into knitting or you haven't explored that yet or you've never been to a yoga class, please listen to those two episodes. They are incredibly useful and practical, packed with some tips and resources that you can use.\
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Dr Monika Wieliczko (15:54.584)\
Then we moved on to an interesting conversation with Emma Gray and her carriage in tackling sad men and creating a space where all those darkest administrative tasks can be dealt with with the right level of support. So if you're feeling a bit stuck, unsure how to...\
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manage your saddmin, please listen to that episode.\
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And then we had the pleasure of talking to Dr. Kerry Savage-Delitz-Fitz, a psychologist who works with children, families, anyone who's involved in looking after or working with children. And we talked about the real importance of holding space for the youngest among us.\
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as they process loss and find their own ways of understanding what happened.\
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And in a way, this conversation really helped me make sense of something fundamentally essential about children and every parent who has a grieving child should know about is this rule of brain development and how much we can learn and understand about our children.\
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Dr Monika Wieliczko (17:33.6)\
about our children's grieving process if we understand how their brains develop. So there are certain tips there in that episode, especially this one thing that really stayed with me, which is that children actually haven't got the same way of understanding the permanence of loss in the way we do. So this relentless ability to ask\
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questions and it's like reliving the lost day after day as if they haven't remembered. It might be quite disturbing for parents but something that is essential for them to make sense of the state of permanence. So when someone dies, they die and as time goes by we learn what that really means. We learn that they won't be part of a birthday party, they won't go on holiday, they won't come back.\
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So guiding your child through that journey while you're grieving yourself can be incredibly difficult, especially when you're trying to hold back from experiencing emotions. So taking time to understand your own reactions as well as your child's reactions can really help all of you.\
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Dr Monika Wieliczko (18:58.066)\
Then another conversation that really had such a profound impact on me was with Dr Magdalena Gorytko, counselling psychologist and my dear friend, who were talking about guilt, which is such a fundamental issue in grief, and as well as all the other emotions that come with it.\
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Her insight really helped me realise how much freedom comes from simply allowing and acknowledging how we truly feel without judgement, without trying to hide it or make it better. And guilt is one of those emotional states that is so difficult to understand, to make sense of, to process, to know what to do with. And I think\
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For me personally on my grieving journey, was something that was blocking out so many different aspects. There were times when I felt incredibly guilty and there were times when I didn't feel guilty. But what I've learned is that by letting myself be more comfortable with those feelings, that really shifted something fundamental in my capacity to live and grieve simultaneously.\
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So if you're someone who struggles with profound feelings of guilt, or just not sure how to get through grief, this episode can be very helpful to you.\
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Dr Monika Wieliczko (20:38.754)\
But throughout all those conversations, the one constant thread has been the importance of connection. Connection to ourselves, to others, our bodies, our grieving minds and brains, and the enduring memories of those we've lost.\
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Grief is such a universal experience, but yet the paradox of it often isolates us. I hope that these episodes have shown you that you're not alone in your grief, that there is strength to be found in your community, in sharing your own wisdom and receiving wisdom from others, and those small intentional steps towards healing.\
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and making room for life while you grieve. I really hope that those conversations have offered you some comfort, insight, few glimmers of hope and most importantly that they provoked you to think about your grief in a different way. These are not easy conversations to be had. These are not things that people often want to think about.\
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but there's incredible value in having them. Grief might be a very heavy companion, but it also gives us a potential for growth and transformation and joy.\
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Dr Monika Wieliczko (22:22.87)\
I'm also excited to announce that season 2 will be even more expensive and we'll be with you in mid-January after a few weeks break that we all need right now to recover, to prefer...\
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to recover and to make room for new episodes.\
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Dr Monika Wieliczko (22:51.798)\
I'll be diving into such as secondary losses. So not just the loss of a life partner, but what comes with it, especially things like fertility problems and the loss of identity. The ripple effects of all those multiple losses that we've experienced in life. Anticipatory grief is something I feel very passionate about.\
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and I had the pleasure of talking to a charity that supported me on my own journey of anticipating the loss of my life partner through terminal illness. So we'll be talking about how that preparation really helped me and how the charity SHINE played a fundamental role in that. So anyone who's currently going through this anticipatory grief,\
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will find it incredibly valuable. Then I want to pay some attention to loss through suicide and how to approach this profoundly difficult loss which is often filled with grief and shame and shame is such a difficult notion to deal with. So please look out for this episode if you have experienced this form of loss.\
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We will then focus a lot on supporting children, emotional regulation, while they grieve. Hearing from psychologists, children psychologists who work specifically with this group of clients. Then we will also pay attention to dating after loss and the social pressures that often interfere, creating conflict and guilt that often comes in the package of\
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wanting to create life after loss. So how to date, when to date, all those answers will be there.\
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Dr Monika Wieliczko (24:58.306)\
We will also tackle the issue of returning to work after loss. And finally, there will be a special guest, which I had the pleasure of meeting in person at the grief conference, European grief conference in Dublin, which I attended last week. And I spoke to Dr. Mary Frances O'Connor, who wrote one of the most\
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useful books on the grieving brain. She shared with me that her new book will be released in February next year and will be exploring the physiology of grieving bodies, a topic so essential for anyone who's grieving. I really can't wait to chat to her soon.\
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Dr Monika Wieliczko (25:50.776)\
Well, challenging grievance, embracing this nonlinear, messy and deeply personal journey is very, very hard. But having a group of people in place to think about, explore your own conflicting feelings is what I personally found most useful and still do.\
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So I'm eager to explore these topics with compassion and depth and with your feedback We can make those episodes even more meaningful. So I would love to hear from you Please go to my website www.guidetourafterlife.com and Send me a message Share what was your favorite episode from season one?\
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any feedback and reflections on what resonated most with you or what you didn't like or what things you would like to hear more about, any topics and questions you would like to see in season two. I also would like to reach out to me in social media. You can find me on Instagram at guide to afterlife or Facebook, the same guide to afterlife. And\
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I really wanted to thank you for being part of this journey. Together we are redefining what it means to navigate loss, support one another and find life after grief.\
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Dr Monika Wieliczko (27:27.438)\
If you found this episode meaningful, would also be grateful if you would share it with anyone who might benefit from it. Let's continue to grow this community and make sure no one has to navigate grievously.\
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Dr Monika Wieliczko (27:50.68)\
Bye till next time!\
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I'll see you in January.\
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Episode 12. Resilient Ways to Grieve: Insights from Season 1 with Dr Monika Wieliczko, Clinical Psychologist.

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