How to cope with loneliness after losing my spouse?
Apr 19, 2024
I remember the first weeks and months after my husband’s passing, I entered a new state of mind that penetrated every aspect of my life. Coming back to an empty house for the first time after my family left London immediately put me in touch with all the feelings that were scaffolded safely by the presence of others in my house.
That moment exposed the essence of this new experience of living on my own. The moment I sat on the couch in the spot where my late husband used to sit, I looked around the house and noticed all his belongings scattered over the surfaces of my living room. The word that came to my mind immediately was emptiness. I felt empty, a part of me died with him. I was on my own, plus the dog and a cat.
I was alone, but I don’t remember feeling lonely, at least not in the way I anticipated.
What is loneliness?
Loneliness is a state of mind during which there is a lack of connection between you and the outside world. It is not the same as being on your own, in fact, you can feel extremely lonely in the company of others and very comfortable in staying on your own.
I would like to ask you to hold this statement in mind while you continue reading the article: loneliness is a state of mind when a connection between you and the external world breaks down. Loneliness also takes place when your experiences are unrecognised or invisible, as you feel alone with a heavy baggage of feelings. It could be that you feel unable to relate to other people around you, or they cannot genuinely connect with you. Loneliness is therefore quite a complex emotional problem that we have with the surrounding world.
Why is loss making me feel so lonely?
Losing someone you love so dearly means that a unique way in which you two communicated has been permanently lost and cannot be recovered. After living together for so many years, you have developed your language and internal jokes that only the two of you could understand. Now this whole world has collapsed, leaving you completely alone without an outlet to channel the familiar dialogue.
It becomes apparent that there are aspects of your relationship that you cannot share with anyone else. You might feel that doing things you two used to do with someone else equals a betrayal of your late partner, which might evoke strong feelings of guilt. This in turn creates a gap inside you that is difficult to address. It might be that your guilt is stopping you from finding other ways to connect with the world. If you would like to find out the role guilt plays in grief, read my article on guilt.
At other times, you might feel that your experiences of loss are so vastly different from those around you who never experienced such a profound loss, especially people your age. That gap between you and them can be extremely isolating. It is not true that experiencing a profound loss is the only way for others to understand your perspective. However, the other person must have the emotional capacity and willingness to allow you to share your experiences without trying to change anything or to make you feel better. So the loneliness after loss often comes from a place of feeling misunderstood.
Why is death a difficult subject?
Death is a taboo subject that rarely gets openly talked about as it evokes such profound anxieties. Our society is so afraid of thinking and tolerating mortality that we tend to waste a lot of energy and money trying to deny its presence. Your experiences of loss can therefore elicit overwhelming reactions in people you talk to, unconsciously sending you a message that this devastating tragedy that happened to you is too much for them to process. It might come across as someone giving you a lot of reassurance that everything will be alright and that it is time to move on, or a tendency to skim over your attempts to communicate your feelings. This translates to an attempt to make things better for you, instead of meeting you where you are, in a place of distress that needs to be validated. This can make you feel like you are on your own with all those distressing experiences, which creates a void that alienates you from the world around you.
How is grief contributing to my feelings of loneliness?
When you experience grief, you enter a state which I often refer to in my writing as a space in between life and death; a timeless world filled with loss. Loneliness might come from the fact that while you grieve, your perception of reality is hugely saturated by your struggles to come to terms with death. The fact that the person who passed away is no longer here is not something that can be easily intellectually absorbed. I would go as far as to say that it is not something that we can fully comprehend.
When your mind is densely saturated with grief, you might end up occupying a space that does not allow you to live your life like you used to, cutting you off from things that were at the core of your identity. You might feel that life as you know it has been put on hold. Grief is a state that separates you from other parts of your life that were invested in the future and other relationships. You might think of it as an internal battle between your wish to hold on to the person who died, on the one hand, and the wish to return to life, on the other. Occupying that space in between life and death can be a lonely experience.
How to feel less lonely while grieving?
One of the main factors that aggravates the feelings of loneliness after losing your spouse is the inability to express how you feel. If you notice that there are feelings and thoughts that you cannot put into words, you might need to find an outlet to unblock whatever you think is stopping you from letting things out. Here are some ways that might help you do it:
Speaking
Speaking to someone who can listen without imposing their judgement on you. It might be a friend or a family member, or you might want to search for local grief support organisations in your local area or speak to a GP to get a referral for bereavement counselling. Accessing a grief support group is also a good idea. This might decrease a sense of isolation and validate your reactions knowing that other people have experienced similar issues.
Writing
Keep a grief diary to write down whatever comes to your mind. Often we do not know what is bothering us until we find a way to observe our on thoughts expressed on a piece of paper. Writing in itself can be a way to access your thoughts and be more in touch with your feelings. Writing can facilitate a process of mourning by making you reflect on your experiences of loss. Writing is also a great way of rediscovering your mind. It is important to find a way to share your story with people you care about.
Making Art
Creative activities such as making or playing music and painting or other form of art can be another way to express your feelings.
Sharing your story of grief
There is something compelling about finding an outlet to share your creative expressions of grief with the outside world. This could be done by joining a community support group in person or a virtual one. You might want to share a poem, a story of your grief, or simply reflections on your grief. Join our Facebook group to do so.
Listening to other people’s stories
If you don’t quite feel like you have words to describe how you feel, reading and listening to podcasts can be a stimulating experience that can make you reflect on your experiences of loss. I have collated a list of books and podcasts that you might find useful, which specifically talk about grief after the loss of a life partner.
Loneliness is a state of mind when we feel disconnected from the world around us, and certain parts of ourselves. Finding that connection back into the world and identifying what is getting in the way can help you feel less isolated in your grief.
If you would like to find out more about loneliness and grief after the loss of a life partner, please listen to my podcast episode of Guide to After Life: “Loneliness in grief’’
If you have any questions, please get in touch via email or schedule a free 15- minute call with me
