Solo Parenting While You Grieve The Loss of a Life Partner: Navigating The Impossible
Sep 23, 2024
Losing a life partner at a young age is one of the most devastating experiences you can imagine, although I suspect most people in relationships can’t. If you have a young family, this adds another loss, the loss of a co-parent who until then helped you get through the challenges of raising children. As Dr. Rachel Master (Solo Parenting Psychologist) and Dr. Monika Wieliczko (Widow Psychologist) discuss in the episode of "A Guide to After Life,” solo parenting while grieving presents unique challenges that require a large dose of compassion coupled with a bunch of acrobatic strategies to help you get through this challenging time.
The Impossible Task
First and foremost, it's crucial to acknowledge that you found yourself in an impossible situation. Grief demands so much of us physically and emotionally. It forces us to turn inwards to face up to all the messy, unwieldy, and unpredictable emotions. Simultaneously, we're expected to be the container, the nurturer, and the grounded parent for your children navigating their own grief. This conflict between the internal turmoil and external responsibilities is asking too much of you already. How are you supposed to grieve when you have to be the caring, nurturing figure compensating for the loss of the other parent? You might be asking yourself those questions, and although it seems like an impossible task, you are likely to feel you have to do it all. Let’s think about what might be feeding into this already problematic conflict and how to rebuild your family after such a profound loss.
The Guilt Trap
One of the most significant challenges faced by grieving solo parents is what I call the "guilt trap." There's often an expectation, particularly for women, to sacrifice everything for their children. This expectation can lead to intense feelings of guilt when you need to focus on your grief or self-care. It's essential to remain curious about the role of guilt and why it might be showing up. You can read more about the role of guilt in grief here. Excessive guilt often serves as a barrier, preventing us from acknowledging our anger, frustration, and the inherent unfairness of our situation. We talk at length in the episode about our difficulties with guilt and how we can overcome those by becoming more accepting of our emotional reactions. This, in turn, is likely to help us look after our needs and make room for grief.
Breaking the Perfectionism Cycle
Many of us fall into the trap of trying to control every aspect of our lives and our children's lives, thinking that if we can just get everything sorted externally, our internal world will follow suit. So we focus on organising our house and our children’s education or commit to too many things at once, which over time often leads to emotional burnout and self-neglect. This, in turn, only reinforces our anger and the internal voice that criticises every move we make. Another way of looking at your role as a parents would be to think about what feels "good enough" as opposed to perfect. Next time you find yourself trapped in the guilt trap, ask yourself the question: Am I striving for perfection or good enough parenting? The truth is your children do not need a perfect parent, they just need one that cares about them and tries their best, taking into account their limitations and life challenges. You also need and deserve time and space to grieve and heal.
Practical Strategies for Solo Parenting While Grieving
1. Acknowledge the impossibility: Recognise that you're facing an incredibly challenging situation. Give yourself permission to be good enough rather than perfect.
2. Seek support: Don't be afraid to ask for help. Look for local support groups, and online communities, or consider professional help.
3. Create space for grief: Allow yourself dedicated time to process your emotions. This might mean setting aside a few minutes each day for reflection or journaling. Find out more about 7 creative ways to grieve.
4. Be authentic with your children: It's okay to show them that you're grieving, too. Model healthy emotional expression and coping strategies.
5. Practice self-compassion: Treat yourself with the same kindness you would offer a friend in your situation.
6. Prioritise self-care: Even small acts of self-care can make a big difference. Whether it's a short walk, a relaxing bath, or a few minutes of meditation, find what works for you.
7. Accept that your grief journey is unique: There's no "right" way to grieve. Honour your process and your needs. If you want to find out more about where you are in your grief journey and learn psychological tools to help you grieve, take part in The Grief MOT, your first aid programme for grief.
The Transformative Power of Grief
While the journey of solo parenting through grief is undoubtedly challenging, it also holds the potential for profound personal growth and transformation. As you navigate this difficult path, you may find yourself developing new strengths, deepening your connection with your children, and gaining a clearer perspective on what truly matters in life.
Remember, you're not alone in this journey. Reach out, seek support, and be kind to yourself as you navigate this impossible task. Your strength in facing this challenge is a testament to the depth of your love, both for your lost partner and for your children.
